seasonsgreetings | He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.

one. I fell asleep on the floor again. I don't want help, just a pillow. It's kind of nice down here.
two. Can you explain the sunflower seeds in the dryer?
three. You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
four. Hey... um, you don't know me, but I found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning.
five. [ text her! ]

We spilled the pop on them and somebody thought it would dry them out?

( Did she have to stare at this message for a few minutes to be sure of what she was reading?

Maybe. )

Didn't you have paper towels?

( Patience, Miss Farron. No bringing out the Meanie Miss Farron, not yet. )

I thought it would save on paper...

( SIGH )

That's admirable, but sometimes we have to use paper towels to save on power and prevent potential fires.

Yeah... Sorry. I guess that's right too. Did putting them in the delicates bag at least keep them from getting all over the dryer?

Yeah. That worked!

Phew. I didn't want to wreck anything, or you'd really get upset...

one. Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
two. You said alcohol would be the death of you and ordered 10 shots of tequila.
three. Everyday, I tell myself I shouldn't be friends with you.
four. Is this a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in you" kind of date?
five. [ text him! ]

one. if i'm getting through this place i'm doing it drunk
two. his biggest mistake was assuming i ever gave a fuck to begin with.
three. my talents are tricking people into giving me money and drugs
four. sometimes i kiss girls so they shut up
five. [ text her! ]

1) I literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
2) How did you get so drunk?
3) I accidentally sent all my draft messages ... how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
4) Hold on, I'm painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint!
5) Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe.

1) I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun!

2) I think the best way to start out any day is to watch '80s music videos. It's like visual Wheaties.

3) Has anyone seen my sister's bra, because I have to help look for it.

4) That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament.

5) text her!

1. the story is too long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.

2. 1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?

3. i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.

4. You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me

5. [Wildcard! Text him]

Edited 2024-03-04 18:21 (UTC)